Single Mom-Hood From my Perception?
If I tell someone I am a single mom and of three teenagers, people don’t know whether to feel sorry for me or keep away from me, in case I’d asked them a favour, in case they were automatically expected to help, just because, they think, I am worse off.
Most of them express their immediate concern for me with a usual phrase as “oh, that must be hard for you” or “how do you manage?” or “do you have anyone to help you?” or just “you poor little soul”… Many of my friends, or even some of my closest family members, are not in touch with me since they didn’t like my status of a single mom and later divorced woman. Oh, well. And with some, I decided not to keep a particular relationship anymore as I couldn’t stand their disdain.
And yes, of course, it is very hard. I am alone and I don’t divide household and parenthood duties. I don’t have a partner to rely on, to support me and to help. I am a mummy, friend, chef, cleaner, disciplinarian, teacher, and have a full-time job… and a daddy now too. I can’t just give myself a break, because I need it, deserve it or simply because I would love to. I am on my 100% every day, no room for a break, for mistakes, for extras.
I see it this way. I am a full-time mummy, which I would be anyway even if still married, with a difference that I don’t have to divide my time between my kids and “him”. I can fully concentrate on being a mummy and dedicate all my time to them. Much better investment! I have one person less to feed as all the cooking in our house was on me only anyway. I have one person less to do laundry for or to iron, I have one person less to clean up after, I don’t have to worry about his moods and take consideration for his opinions, feelings, likes and dislikes, I have no one to criticise me for looking a mess when I am tired or don’t feel like applying makeup or to do my hair, no one to just sit in front of TV whole evening changing channels and watching whatever as long as it’s gloomy and depressive enough.
I don’t have a stress of inventing rich menus every day, making sure the house is always tidy and presentable, otherwise dealing with bitchy looks and remarks as “what were you doing all day?” and trying to justify it and to defend myself, like I was the guilty one or committed a crime. I am not being ignored anymore, or argue for not getting enough respect and gratitude, or getting upset about not getting a slight compliment from time to time, which feels always good. I don’t get criticised for the way I bring up my children, for being always stressed out and different than I used to be when we met. I don’t have anyone to pretend to everything in our marriage is perfect, just because we are over to friends’ house for dinner or a drink. I am still a Cinderella, but on my own terms. No more faking and pretending.
(And I could go on and on and on)
So do you still feel sorry for me? I might be divorced and a single mom. But my status carries many advantages too. I can follow my favourite hobbies without anyone demeaning them. No one to take over the TV remote control and claim his sole right to it. Seems silly as an argument, but it is an everyday issue, just like how to spend our money, what to prioritise. Cooking? we are happy to eat the same meal for two consecutive days, or just to have a light dinner if I don’t feel like cooking or give myself a permission to be tired. I am my own boss.
Nobody is intoxicating my personal space and expects me to be someone I am not, pretty, witty, sexy, cool… 24/7
Love is about giving. People, who have love in their soul, have the ability to give unconditionally. Mine was, though, directed to the wrong person, the taker.
Ok, I lost my married status. But gained my FREEDOM, from a taker. And freedom is always dear. But… worth it!
If I look at it now my quality of life actually improved after the separation as nobody is abusing my weakness, which is giving. Giving unconditionally to my children is only natural.
At first, I did my own reflections as for why did it have to end and what could have been done to prevent it. I asked myself million times if I really had done everything, gave it all the chances. I doubted it, even though I know I did, and far too many chances and pardons.
Whatever I used to do I continue doing, but not x5, just x4 now. And this time with freedom of time and will.
I now disregard people lifting their eyebrows. I know what I had to go through to be where I am. I respect myself whether others respect me or not. It is their problem, not mine.
I am a great mom, kind, caring, loving and compassionate person, but if you waste my time, you’ll understand what all-out badass one single mother can be.
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